It Looks Like They Forgot You. They Probably Didn’t.
- Matt Barnett
- 7 days ago
- 3 min read
If you’re close to someone with ADHD, there’s a moment you’ve probably had more than once.
You were expecting a message.They said they’d call. They promised they wouldn’t forget.
And then… nothing.
No reply. No explanation. No acknowledgement.
From the outside, it looks personal. It feels dismissive. Sometimes it even feels cruel.But most of the time, what’s happening has very little to do with how much they care about you.
People with ADHD don’t forget people.They forget time.
And those two things get confused constantly.
When someone with ADHD thinks of you, it often comes with genuine warmth. Affection. Intent. They may even feel a sudden urge to reach out. The problem is that ADHD doesn’t reliably translate intention into action unless the timing is just right.
If the thought happens while they’re driving, they can’t act on it.If it happens while they’re focused on something else, it slips away.If it happens at the wrong point in their energy cycle, it never gets executed.
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And because ADHD disrupts the brain’s internal sense of time, that missed moment doesn’t register as “I’ll do this later.” It just disappears.
This is what time blindness really looks like.
To a neurotypical brain, time feels linear. Past, present, future are connected. Promises sit in the future like bookmarks waiting to be fulfilled.
To an ADHD brain, time is far less structured. There is often only “now” and “not now.” When something isn’t happening in the present moment, it doesn’t reliably stay accessible.
That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t important. It means the system running the relationship is unstable.
And here’s where things get painful.
Because when someone forgets to reply, misses a birthday, or fails to follow through, the other person usually responds emotionally. They withdraw. They get angry. They test. They stop reaching out.
From their perspective, they’re protecting themselves.
From the ADHD person’s perspective, they suddenly feel a shift they don’t understand. They sense distance, tension, disappointment — but they don’t always know why. And because many adults with ADHD carry a long history of shame around letting people down, that feeling hits hard.
They don’t think, “I forgot.”They think, “I’ve done it again.”
This is how relationships quietly erode.
Not through lack of care — but through mismatched operating systems.
What makes this worse is that people with ADHD are often hyper-present when they are present. When they’re with you, they’re really with you. Engaged. Warm. Attentive. That contrast — intense connection followed by silence — can be incredibly confusing if you don’t understand what’s behind it.
The silence isn’t withdrawal. It’s not indifference.And in most cases, it’s not avoidance.
It’s friction.
So what actually helps?
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The answer usually isn’t more reminders, more pressure, or more emotional consequences. Those tend to increase anxiety and avoidance, not follow-through.
What helps is reducing reliance on memory and timing.
Shared calendars instead of verbal promises.Gentle check-ins instead of tests.Assuming good intent unless proven otherwise.
And perhaps most importantly, separating behaviour from meaning.
Someone forgetting to message you does not automatically mean you matter less to them.
Often, it means their brain failed to bridge a gap between intention and execution — a gap they’re usually painfully aware of already.
If you’re the person with ADHD reading this, you’re not broken. You’re not uncaring. You’re not secretly selfish.
But you may need systems that support your relationships rather than relying on willpower and memory alone.
And if you love someone with ADHD, understanding this one distinction — forgetting time, not people — can change the entire emotional landscape between you.
This is the difference between resentment and repair.
And it’s one of the most misunderstood parts of ADHD.
Get the BRAND new course on Udemy - 'ADHD a Guide for Muggles - Discover ADHD in a simple way'
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